


All aboard the Pineapple Express

by casey_sms (shinygreenwords), shinygreenwords



Category: The Social Network
Genre: Community: tsn_kinkmeme, Crack, Domestic, Humor, Implied Relationships, Implied kink, Kinky, M/M, Masturbation, Non-Explicit Sex, Sex with fruit, Spanking, Translation Available, walk in on someone, 中文翻译 | Translation in Chinese
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-03-11
Updated: 2011-03-11
Packaged: 2017-10-16 21:15:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,261
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/169429
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shinygreenwords/pseuds/casey_sms, https://archiveofourown.org/users/shinygreenwords/pseuds/shinygreenwords
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>For <a href="http://community.livejournal.com/tsn_kinkmeme/3654.html?thread=5079878#t5079878">this prompt</a> at <a href="http://community.livejournal.com/tsn_kinkmeme/profile"><img/></a><a href="http://community.livejournal.com/tsn_kinkmeme/"></a><b>tsn_kinkmeme</b>: Sex with a pineapple, plz.</p>
            </blockquote>





	All aboard the Pineapple Express

**Author's Note:**

> **Warning/kinks:** Crack. Sex (masturbating) with a pineapple (and implied sex with other fruits and veg), walk in on someone (this will never not be funny), non-graphic sex, implied kinky sex, implied spanking, domesticity  
>  I may have had to make some stuff up because I googled 'how to have sex with a pineapple' for realz. Didn't find anything so I made it up /writer is a dork ~~and doesn't know how to have sex with a pineapple /o\~~ Also, I have never watched Pineapple Express but I feel like I should now.
> 
> There is a [Chinese translation](http://www.movietvslash.com/forum.php?mod=viewthread&tid=174072&page=1&extra=#pid3458733) available (login needed) with thanks to [joyceleaf](http://archiveofourown.org/users/joyceleaf/pseuds/joyceleaf).

Dustin knows it's wrong okay? Wardo really likes his fruit and this season pineapple is his very favorite but like he's heard that pineapple on skin feels really good. Tingly. Like fruit tingles. Dustin likes fruit tingles.

So anyway, the pineapple is already opened. It's not like Dustin would be a dick and open Wardo's pineapple. That's, like, a Mark thing to do. Dustin would never stick his dick inside Wardo's euphemistic pineapple. That's also a Mark thing to do.

(He remembers walking in on Mark and Eduardo [squishing fruit together](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WnY59mDJ1gg). Seriously. Squishing fruit. Naked. Dustin almost wishes he walked in on them because Wardo rubbing strawberries on Mark was kind of weird and he's never felt the same way about strawberries. Or seeing any berry near Chris's mouth.)

So he's chilled the pineapple next to his computer. Dustin maybe peeled the neatly scribed "EDUARDO" sign off it a little guiltily. It's a pretty big one so he ate a bit of it. It's sweet and crunchy. He can get the appeal.

He's feeling nervous. It's still a bit frosty so he puts it in the microwave and nukes it. Yep, warm and juicy. Kind of like a vag. It's a bit sticky but if he grinds harder he doesn't need any lube. It is tricky to balance the thing on the kitchen counter so the spikes don't get him. (There is no way he's putting the thing near his computer. He knows that sticky computers are the biggest pain ever.) Dustin is pretty proud. His dick is tingly and it feels like he's got the tingles all over. He's going to come.

Which, naturally, is when everyone comes home early from the party.

Mark and Eduardo are too busy kissing and ripping each other's clothes off to notice. Dustin is hoping if me maybe doesn't breathe, Chris might not notice that he is totally coming into Wardo's pineapple.

Chris goes to the fridge, his back to him. "Dustin I know you're there. Don't even try to scare-"

He's turning around. "Don't," Dustin manages to moan out.

"Oh my god." Chris says flatly. (Somehow Dustin imagines him screaming but Chris looks sort of amused. He hopes it’s amused and not horrified because he didn’t mean to do anything bad. It’s not that bad. Right?)

"Shit," Dustin says miserably but still coming down from the awesome pineapple orgasm. "I read on [this website](http://community.livejournal.com/tsn_kinkmeme/3654.html?thread=5079878#t5079878%E2%80%9D) that pineapple is rubbed on skin feels really good because the enzymes are tingly," Dustin rambles as if talking a lot will somehow explain the fact that he’s naked and his dick is in the channel of a pineapple.

Chris is staring.

"I swear. I'll buy him another pineapple,” Dustin pleads. “Can you like...not look and pretend this didn't happen?"

"No," Chris says seriously. "I can't." He approaches Dustin and Dustin is frozen. (He needs to Google this shit. What to do when your crush walks in on you pumping into your roommate's pineapple?) Chris sticks a finger in the pineapple and strokes upwards, brushing Dustin's dick 'accidentally'. Dustin makes a choked sound. Chris is sucking his finger and smacking his lips. "Sweet."

Dustin whimpers a little.

Chris takes the pineapple from Dustin and draws him closer.

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A little while later, Mark creeps out of his room, towel wrapped around his hips. Wardo always gets fruit cravings after sex. Or like during sex. (Mark loves it a bit since Wardo never complains if he wants to stick Red Vines in him. Or pour Red Bull down his chest. Wardo makes everything taste better.)

He opens the fridge to grab the chocolate syrup. The pineapple isn’t there. Mark looks around. Where could the pineapple have gone?

It’s on the kitchen bench. It’s kind of spiky. There’s some stuff in it. He should probably wash it. He remembers something about washing fruit. He takes a bite. Yeah. That tastes ok.

Lugging the chocolate syrup, half a pineapple and a knife, Mark heads back to his room with a smile. Wardo’s waiting for him.

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The next morning, they are eating breakfast when Dustin mentions it because he has no filter whatever.

"Hey, what happened to the pineapple?" he says. He noticed that it was not on the counter or back in the fridge when he's getting getting the milk for his Lucky Charms.

Eduardo makes a weird noise and maybe blushes. It's hard to tell when he does because he's so tan but yep, that's definitely a blush.

"We took turns having sex with it and then ate it," Mark says in his usual monotone. He’s glaring at his toast. “I’m not hungry,” he whines to Eduardo.

Chris chokes a little on his toast.

"Mark," Eduardo admonishes fondly. "Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.” Turning to the blond man, “Sorry Chris, are you alright?" Eduardo asks because he is the type of guy who asks.

"'m fine," Chris says, kicking Dustin under the table and glaring. Dustin has that panicked look like OMG DO WE TELL THEM DO WE TELL THEM?

Dustin squeals and bumps the table. Luckily everyone is used to the Daily Dustin Earthquake.

Chris sighs. Dustin is always loud. He mutters a reminder about indoor voices.

"Dustin, are you ok?" Eduardo is concerned.

Mark is maybe jealous and wants to choke on his morning coffee. He spots a marker and his inner evil genius child goes into overdrive.

"I'm fine too Wardo," Dustin says brightly, too brightly. "Just my foot. Had a run in. Accident y'know. They happen sometimes." He shifts in his seat hopefully not in a shifty way.

"Is this about the pineapple?" Eduardo says eyebrows furrowing. He can read weather patterns but his roommates are sort of natural disasters of their own.

"No. No. It definitely is not," Chris says using his best spin doctor voice. "Not about the pineapple."

"I'm sorry," Eduardo starts to apologize anyway. "I didn't know you guys wanted to use it. Maybe I should have asked. It was inconsiderate of me."

The sweet looking Brazilian sophomore looks so woebegone that Chris wants to stab Mr Saverin senior and he's a staunch pacifist. "Eduardo, it was your pineapple. You can do whatever you like with it." Chris tries not to think about Dustin thrusting into the pineapple and how it tasted. Forbidden fruit and all.

"I'm sorry!" Dustin wails because he cannot lie for shit. "I'm really sorry Wardo, I swear I'll buy you another one! I didn't mean to but I read online that it was really good so I wanted to know and I'm really really sorry! I'm sorry I know it was wrong but you guys were all at the party and I was bored!"

"What?" Eduardo says. "I'm confused."

"Chris walked in on me-"

"Shut the fuck up Dustin, please," Chris says before dropping his head on the table.

Dustin does with a kicked puppy look like Chris just wiped out all the dinosaurs.

Eduardo is upset that Dustin is upset. "It's okay if you ate some, Dustin. I’m not angry. I’m sorry that I made you feel like it wasn’t okay." He pats Dustin’s hand.

Dustin looks up and it's the wrong thing to do because he is hit by Bambi eyes. Bambi eyes that he betrayed. He is so going to Special Hell. "IdidbutIalsohadsomehappytimewithitandI'msorrythatyouateit." He has no idea how they didn't _taste_ it but maybe a) they really did have sex with the pineapple or b) the pineapple is that good or c) all of the above because Wardo always had great taste.

"What?" Eduardo pulls away in shock.

Chris decides that he'll deal the mercy blow. "I walked in on Dustin fucking your pineapple like American Pie. We left it on the counter to fuck and I assume you guys stopped fucking long enough to grab it from the counter...and you know the rest of that story better than we do. I apologize for my part in the story and will do my best to ensure that it won't happen again," Chris adds, smoothly transitioning to PR Damage Control mode. (He makes a mental note to add two pineapples to the grocery shopping list.)

"So what did you guys really do with the pineapple?" Dustin pipes up.

Chris smacks him on the back of the head. "Dustin sincerely regrets his actions and in addition to replacing the aforementioned piece of fruit, he will get a spanking." Chris gives Dustin a withering look.

"I will?" Dustin squeaks. “From you?”

“Would you rather Eduardo do it?” Chris says pointedly.

Eduardo is going from pale to blushing. Mark is scribbling down something. (He's not supposed to code at breakfast - it's a rule but Eduardo isn't paying attention.) “Guys?”

"Or you can do a day of community service and clean this place up,” Chris offers.

Dustin sees the mess that is their pad. "Um. I'll take the um...other offer thanks."

"All settled then," Chris says with a wide grin. To Eduardo, "My sincerest apologies."

"Apologies accepted," Eduardo says, throwing an 'I'm sorry' at Dustin. He turns to Mark. "Mark..."

Mark ignores him. Eduardo really thinks someone else should get punished. He probably should take a leaf out of Chris’s book.

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That afternoon, they are going to the grocery market. It was supposed to be the four of them but it's only Chris and Dustin.

("Is Mark alright?" Chris says, looking over Eduardo's shoulder. He…overheard earlier. Mark was yelling about how it wasn’t fair and that Eduardo was _hurting_ him. It was about then Dustin asked to get his own spanking over and done with because listening to Mark was making him nervous. Anyway, Mark hasn't come out of his room since. Mark who is currently curled up in bed naked, his bottom maybe slightly red. Chris can’t see that well but the programmer sounds wrecked. Keyword being sounds. Chris is impressed by the impression of crying Mark is making even if it sounds kind of fake.

"He's fine," Eduardo says, trying to go for casual. He pinches the bridge of his nose. "Just sulking."

Mark’s hoarse voice joins them, “I’m not sulking! He’s torturing me!”

Chris is disturbed when Mark starts sobbing. Mark should really have taken a Theatre minor.

"I said no Red Bull or Red Vines for three days," Eduardo says wearily like a parent.

“Oh.” That would probably explain it.

“Can you get our list for us?”

Mark sobs even louder. “I’m going to die!”

Eduardo winces and bites his lip. Chris has a feeling he’s going to cave in within the next hour. Scratch that, ten minutes max. “I’ll pay you back,” Eduardo says in a choked voice.

Chris brushes it off. “Don’t worry about it.”

Mark sniffs pitifully.)

Chris is glad Dustin bounces back easily. He would have thought Dustin might whine but he was incredibly good at taking it. Chris may have given him a blowjob as penance anyway.

They are at the checkout when Chris frowns.

“Why are there six pineapples?”

“They were on special,” Dustin says with an angelic smile.

“Ok. I’ll overlook that like I’m going to overlook the 10 packs of Red Vines.” In a hiss, “But tell me, why do we have like three kilos of zucchini? Mark hates eating that stuff.” Chris lowers his voice further, “And there’s like 10 boxes of condoms and 30 cans of Red Bull. Dustin, stop fucking around. Take them back.”

“I didn’t!” Dustin says wide-eyed, brandishing the piece of paper Chris handed him. “It was all on the list, I swear!”

Mark and Eduardo’s list. He handed it to Dustin because he figured out the programmer should be able to work it out. Chris snatches it. Huh, maybe that’s the secret to how Eduardo gets Mark to eat vegetables. He wonder if it’d work on Dustin.

“I wasn’t sure if that was 30 cans or 50 cans since it was crossed out so I went with 30,” Dustin reasons.

“Good boy,” Chris says absently, missing the beam Dustin sends him.

Mark and Eduardo’s list is like a huge fruit platter with an occasional vegetable buried under an assortment of junk food. It looks like they fought over the list because Eduardo’s normally neat work is a mess with Mark’s chicken scrawl all over it.

Dustin peers into the cart. Chris does not blush when Dustin spots the 5 boxes of condoms hidden behind the bananas. “We’re probably going to need more lube,” Dustin announces thoughtfully just as they are next. “I’ll get it!” Dustin offers helpfully and leaves Chris at the counter.

The check out chick is blowing purple bubbles with a raised eyebrow. “Hello Sir, how is your day?” she says like she really doesn’t give a shit.

“Fine, thanks,” Chris says in what he hopes is a friendly, polite tone while he glares at the back of Dustin’s head. The blond loads up the groceries in a hopefully unsuspicious order and tries not to cringe when the condoms are right next to the zucchini. Or rubber gloves and lube.

After the check out chick has scanned the last phallic-shaped fruit on the list, Chris wants to die. He cannot believe that Mark and Eduardo get their sex toys from the grocery aisle. Not to mention the rope, the hairbrush, cable ties and duct tape? What the fuck.

“That’ll be 259 and 88 cents.”

Chris does not have that much cash on him. He’s pretty sure Dustin doesn’t either.

He takes out his card.

Mark and Eduardo are going to owe him _forever_.

**Author's Note:**

> Also, I had to go through pedobear to get that ascii pineapple so I hope you liked it O:)


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